Day Sixty Four
We all want that for the world right? We want everybody and everything to be in a state of peaceful alignment.Continue reading “Peace”
Day Sixty Four
We all want that for the world right? We want everybody and everything to be in a state of peaceful alignment.Continue reading “Peace” →
Did you ever slack off in school? If you’re anything like me then yes, of course you did and then the panic would kick in when you realised that you didn’t know anything about the test coming up. So what would you do? Cram!Continue reading “Can’t cram at the farm” →
I’m grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful to have great friends and family. I’m grateful to be employed. I’m grateful to have dreams and aspirations that this pandemic hasn’t destroyed even if it’s delayed some of it.
My friend sent me a message yesterday, a very simple one. Keep going he said. That was all I needed to hear.
Writing this blog on this occasion is to help keep me sober. I’m not paying attention to the readership although I appreciate anyone and everyone who stops by.
So I often just assume that nobody is reading that way I will keep my intention pure. I’m doing this for me to become better.
That said, when you get a message that tells you that you’re doing something right and you should keep going, it’s encouraging to say the least. So, bro, if you read this, thank you 🙏🏾
I have much to be grateful for. Much to be hopeful for. Much to be expectant about even as the start of this year feels like an overspill of last year.
It will pass.
It always does
But gratitude has staying power. Long after the gesture, the experience and even the person has gone. Your gratitude for them, for it can still remain.
It’s a choice
I don’t have to wait for something incredibly amazing to happen before I choose to exercise my gratitude, in fact I don’t have to wait for anything at all.
I can just choose to find things to be grateful about.
I’m grateful for my sobriety.
I’m grateful to be alive
I’m grateful to whoever reads this.
Today I’ve been thinking a lot about things I have no control over. It seems as though in England we are about to go into another full blown lockdown. Not that right now is any different to what that would mean but I guess there was some hope of finding a new normal soon.
I’ve worried myself thinking about the possibility of being made redundant, losing my job and not being able to look after myself.
Job hunting in this current economy feels like a daunting task and I had to remind myself of how fortunate I currently am to not have to deal with that.
I’m currently on secondment which will be wrapping up by end of February and I worried about whether I would get a renewed contract with this team or not.
I thought about my dad travelling to Africa during this time and I worried for his safety and safe return back home.
I morbidly began to think about what would happen in the eventuality of the unspeakable regarding my parents. Would I be prepared? Would my family? We have no clarity on what to do in the event of…XYZ.
All of these worries are things I can’t control. Losing my job through redundancy is a luck of the draw, it’s all dependent on what’s happening within the business and whether what I do at my company is considered worthwhile to keep me around.
My concerns about my parents are also for the most part out of my control. I can’t determine anything happening to them just like they can’t control anything happening to me. Our transition from this life unfortunately more often than not will come as a surprise to us and our loved ones
But, what I can do is be as prepared for that ultimate eventuality by having the necessary conversations with the right people so that I know what needs to be done and they know what I would need them to do as well.
It’s hard to accept that there are so many things we have no control over, so many things we can’t change. It’s very hard to accept that and be at peace with that.
I think this is where my addiction springs into action. It wants to be in control. I want to be in total control of something in life and I guess I’m in control of something that really has control over me (read it a few times to make sense of it)
My addiction gives me the allusion of control while imprisonment is really what it’s offering me.
I become a prisoner to it, a slave to my lust, a captive to my obsessions and fantasies.
Today, what I realised is that I have so many conversations to be had. Conversations that I’ve held myself back from having for fear of what it would mean for me and the people involved.
Yet, I now realise that the more I withdraw from having these conversations, the more I run to pornography and lust and comfort food and emotional eating and binging on tv to sooth my unmet and unfelt needs.
As a result, I feel numb. I numb myself to the pain as well as the joy. Wanting one yet afraid to experience the other.
I accept that there are things I can’t change. I acknowledge that there is not much I can do about much.
And accepting this fact brings with it a sense of freedom. Since I can’t change so much, I can live life within the parameters of the little things I do have control over.
As I’ve heard it said many times before. Do your best and forget the rest.
My brother had his first daughter today
He’s my brother from another mother but a brother to me all the same
After a long labour, she came. My brother and I had been talking about her for so long that the minute she decided to bless us with her presence, neither of us felt ready
She came two weeks ahead of schedule and a nearly 48 hour labour
I got the good news very early in the morning…”she’s here!”
first thing that ran through my mind was ‘praise God she’s healthy and all went okay’ then it hit me, my brother is now somebody’s father
Again, neither of us were really ready for that, 9 months pretty much flew by
I had an early breakfast meeting with a new potential collaborator that proved very fruitful as it turns out and then I went to my day job
After which I went to see my niece, and my first impression of her was ‘you are perfect’ – a head full of hair, so light in my arms and peaceful in her sleep, I held her in awe of the blessing that babies represent
People say this all the time about babies but my niece is really and truly beautiful, like angelic beauty. Innocence wrapped in human flesh
New beginnings indeed. It didn’t actually hit me until much later that I already loved her, less than a day old and she had already won me over
That feeling would weirdly grow and grow as the hours passed on. I love my brother and this was his daughter, a slice of heaven graciously given to us as a testimony of God’s goodness
How precious she is. All babies are
Yet we too were once looked upon with such delight and wonder. At least I hope that was the case for you as I’ve been told and I recollect this feeling of being centre of attention
New beginnings bring with them renewed hope
A renewed faith in a universe that is just, good and gracious
A reminder that we are all well and truly loved.
We are all walking, talking miracles and we all our it to our nephews and nieces, daughters and sons to make this world that little bit better than how we found it
A truly Happy Friday 😊
A friend of mine is being hurt by her husband
By hurt, I mean physically which of course has all the emotional and mental ramifications to go along with it
I sat and listened to her detail her story of pain, disappointment and somewhat disillusionment with love, marriage and ultimately life
It’s unfortunately a case of love not being enough
There was a royal wedding in England, my home country today
There was joy and happiness spread because of it
Not everyone would agree with the choice of Bride purely on the basis of her biracial background but me being a black man living in England, I couldn’t be more prouder of my nation and how the majority of us have embraced this royal love
Love always wins folks, no matter what
Love transcends race, culture, religion and creed. It elevates mere mortals to the realm of the gods
Love is immortal, everlasting and non perishable
It has little to do with infatuation or butterflies and everything to do with being called to expressed our highest form of humanity and greatness to one another
Choose love over all else and you solidify your position on the winning side of the equation
I hope your life is filled with all the love you can withstand and more
Embrace it all
Cherish and spread it to everyone you meet
Because in the end, it always wins
I’m really busy right now
I have a full time job, a feature film due to premier at a festival in a month’s time, a feature documentary in post production that also needs to be completed in a month’s time and a feature film that goes into production, guess when….
What’s your poison?
The majority of us will unfortunately have something, perhaps not as life destroying as the above but something nonetheless
12 Step programmes say that the first step towards getting over an addiction is admitting that you have a problem
Food – Sex – Alcohol – and even Love
People can fall in love with the feeling of falling in love. As an addict of many things, harmless to others as all of mine may be, it’s still very harmful to me and causes a lot of internal destruction
Kill it while it’s still weak enough to be destroyed – seek help, trust in the process and do not believe in or expect to do things perfectly, steps in the right direction, no matter how small will always lead you to your desired finish line
Help is always available – please seek it if your life is becoming unmanageable
This is weird or least you will likely think I’m weird for even writing this
But this is dedicated to you, yes I do mean you, the person reading this
We will likely never meet face to face and therefore I have no real grounds to say what I am about to say other than it being true. But, if you’re anything like the rest of us, you most likely get very uncomfortable when being praised or complimented