Today I’ve been thinking a lot about things I have no control over. It seems as though in England we are about to go into another full blown lockdown. Not that right now is any different to what that would mean but I guess there was some hope of finding a new normal soon.
I’ve worried myself thinking about the possibility of being made redundant, losing my job and not being able to look after myself.
Job hunting in this current economy feels like a daunting task and I had to remind myself of how fortunate I currently am to not have to deal with that.
I’m currently on secondment which will be wrapping up by end of February and I worried about whether I would get a renewed contract with this team or not.
I thought about my dad travelling to Africa during this time and I worried for his safety and safe return back home.
I morbidly began to think about what would happen in the eventuality of the unspeakable regarding my parents. Would I be prepared? Would my family? We have no clarity on what to do in the event of…XYZ.
All of these worries are things I can’t control. Losing my job through redundancy is a luck of the draw, it’s all dependent on what’s happening within the business and whether what I do at my company is considered worthwhile to keep me around.
My concerns about my parents are also for the most part out of my control. I can’t determine anything happening to them just like they can’t control anything happening to me. Our transition from this life unfortunately more often than not will come as a surprise to us and our loved ones
But, what I can do is be as prepared for that ultimate eventuality by having the necessary conversations with the right people so that I know what needs to be done and they know what I would need them to do as well.
It’s hard to accept that there are so many things we have no control over, so many things we can’t change. It’s very hard to accept that and be at peace with that.
I think this is where my addiction springs into action. It wants to be in control. I want to be in total control of something in life and I guess I’m in control of something that really has control over me (read it a few times to make sense of it)
My addiction gives me the allusion of control while imprisonment is really what it’s offering me.
I become a prisoner to it, a slave to my lust, a captive to my obsessions and fantasies.
Today, what I realised is that I have so many conversations to be had. Conversations that I’ve held myself back from having for fear of what it would mean for me and the people involved.
Yet, I now realise that the more I withdraw from having these conversations, the more I run to pornography and lust and comfort food and emotional eating and binging on tv to sooth my unmet and unfelt needs.
As a result, I feel numb. I numb myself to the pain as well as the joy. Wanting one yet afraid to experience the other.
I accept that there are things I can’t change. I acknowledge that there is not much I can do about much.
And accepting this fact brings with it a sense of freedom. Since I can’t change so much, I can live life within the parameters of the little things I do have control over.
As I’ve heard it said many times before. Do your best and forget the rest.