This sobriety journey is no joke. It’s day two and already I’m realising that my addictions go way deeper than just lust or pornography.
I spend money almost daily on snacking. Not because I particularly want to but because it somehow creates a habit loop in my mind. It triggers a pleasure centre within my mind that lights up at the thought of having exactly what I want when I want it.
But this is what made me an addict in the first place. When did it happen? I can’t pin point the moment I decided that having whatever I felt like having at any given moment was more important than the discipline of delayed gratification.
I eat to hide my emotions. I binge watch television to hide my boredom. I talk on the phone for hours on end to mask my lack of productivity.
When did all of this happen?
When did I become this person? How did it all happen without my awareness. My metaphorical alarm systems were down, broken or missing batteries to not detect the rising smoke that was building up all this time.
And now I’m coughing out the dangerous fumes, unable to breath properly. Dying from too much consumption.
It feels good to peak into this internal world of mine. My friend and business partner encouraged me today to see it all as positive.
See it as an encouraging thing when my awareness leads me to recognise that I have some work to do.
It’s a good thing.
Be optimistic about the internal struggle to find contentment and fulfilment. When my inner world feels chaotic, it’s possibly a great sign that things are shifting on the inside and it’s only a matter of time before the results show up on the outside.
I already sense that this year, 2021, will be about a lot of introspection. I can do it the easy way which is to be proactive, engaged and aware about everything.
Or the hard way.
The hard way is me going back to living life on autopilot where life has to come crashing down all around me just to get my attention.
No thank you. I’m going to take these inner prompts seriously and give it my best shot to be awake at the wheel of my life. This year I intend to feel rather than numb, express rather than hold back, attempt rather than….you get the point.
And while I’m at it, I will do it all with a smile. I will do it all with optimism because….
Well, because why not?