I’ve read countless books
Listened to thousands of hours of sermons, podcasts, lectures, audiobooks, anything I could get my hands on
I’ve sought advice from anyone willing to give it
I’ve distracted myself with work, chasing love, talking on the phone for hours, passion projects, parties, charitable services……….. and yet nothing
The fix I was looking for and hoping to get just didn’t happen. I couldn’t fix myself or put myself together
I tried religion, yes, I tried Jesus and for a while, it felt like that thing I was looking for was finally found through my faith in him
Even Jesus became another avenue for a quick fix that I hoped would put me together and make me whole with very little input from me
The despair kicked in, the self pity and what sometimes felt like depressive moods would overcome me and I often went from being incredibly unproductive, doing nothing but laying down on my bed all day to spearheading multiple projects simultaneously
All in search of what I assumed everybody else but me had – completion , wholeness and ultimately happiness
Who doesn’t want to be happy?
Who doesn’t want to experience joy, love and every other positive emotion life has to offer?
I took a step back from everything – I was frustrated. Had my heart broken too many times, failed or came short too often to even truly feel the sting anymore. I ate for comfort – I ate the wrong things, then did a 360 and dieted religiously while working out like a man possessed – Insanity workout (such a fitting title)
Running – all I can remember is running – treadmills, pavements, concrete, no matter the terrain, I would run
But you cant outrun yourself – no matter where you go – there you are
There are no short cuts, no quick fix and no easy way out
I have yet to fully believe this, I think some part of me still hopes that there is a pill I can digest that will somehow fix me
But if the son of God couldn’t do it then what the heck will?
ME – only I can allow experiences like faith in a higher power to truly transform me. I know it’s possible because I have seen it happen for others but I would need to dig deep and dig in for the long run in order to effect change in my own life
There are no quick fixes
Just a short and fragile life